Sample of work by Ally Stoyel
I think back through the pages of my memory to warm blue days, when I would take your hand in mine and feel your fire within me. The sun would catch in your hair and the light on your face would make you glow. You smiled at me. A smile that could save the entire world from whatever troubles burdened it. A smile that saved my life every time I would see it.
Then I turn the page to the days when that smile would not surface. The grey days, when the rain would patter against the glass of the window and you would lie in bed, consumed by sorrow and wearing each second of it beautifully. On these days it was as if the whole universe felt your pain and it too wept, for it knew how heavy your heart had been.
Then there was days when the beauty was harder to see. When we would not smile, nor cry. When we would see only the flaws in each other and struggle to look past them to where we knew we adored them. I used to think these were the hard days, but I was wrong. These were the days I had lived for, where we had loved each other so completely that even our hostility was fuelled by passion.
Passion. I had been filled with it, so much so that it would seep from my fingertips whenever my hand would reach for you. It is what made me open my eyes each day so that I could look upon you. It made me nervous in the moments I could not touch you or see you, because I was so afraid of ever walking through the door and finding you gone. My passion for you had made me feel warm, full, never wanting more than another day with you. Now I am empty.
I can’t see you anymore but I feel you in everything, reaching out to me and telling me that everything is going to be okay. I stand in the rain with my face towards the sky, letting each droplet caress my skin as if you were here. I can still hear you telling me that the hardest thing in this world is to live in it. But that’s what you want me to do, to live.
I have loved and lost you, seen the life slip away. But losing you will never be as hard as knowing I have to live without you.