Sample of work by Ally Stoyel
LOVE AND MADNESS
I’ve tried to forget you. To bury you deep in a place where you can never claw your way out. Where I’ll never have to stumble over the bones that we left behind. But you always find me. In my nightmares, in my dreams and in every breath that I remind myself to draw to keep on living. If you can call it that.
You haunt me and you comfort me. You’re with me every waking minute of every long and empty day, but you’re gone. I love you with every inch of my tarred and fractured soul, but I hate you more than I can stand and my hatred consumes me. I am weighed down like an anchor in a vast ocean, with the thought that you changed who I was, who I’d always known myself to be. You took everything good in me and corrupted it the moment you looked at me and decided you would love me and tear my life apart.
You wanted me to be yours and you made it so. I was your conquest, your prize. A challenge that you threw your whole self in to. You surrounded me in your maze until I had lost myself completely and irreversibly. You broke in to my mind and infected every corner of it with thoughts of you. You became my sickness.
The first time you stared at me, I felt timid, uneasy and almost weak. I was your prey and I saw the lust for the kill in your eyes. You didn’t just see me, you hungered for me. It was exhilarating. I began to feel powerful, like I could control you, use you to draw you further in, never intending to ensnare myself in the process.
The first time you touched me, I ached for you and could no longer convince myself that I wasn’t drowning in my obsession with you. Then you told me you loved me. It was like you’d pierced my heart and I’d suffer indescribable pain when we were apart. I crossed the only bridge that remained between us and I was swallowed in to this addiction.
He can never be you. You designed it that way when you destroyed everything else I could possibly run to, so there was nothing left but you and I could not escape. Then you left me. Bruised, battered and completely ashamed of what you pulled out of me, a monster. I can’t love him anymore, because when I look at him all I can see is you. I have withdrawn from him, completely incapable of giving him any of myself to hold on to. I see that he loves me and I know the agony of it, but I feel nothing for him now, and it makes me want to die. Because of you.
I pull my legs tighter around my body as I sit, curled on the floor like a crumpled piece of paper. I stare down at the tiles and as I watch my masterpiece seep in to creation, a crimson Rorschach test, realisation sweeps over me like a sweet lullaby. I’ve cut too deep.
I don’t panic. I lean my head against the basin and close my eyes, the tiniest hint of a smile playing at the corners of my mouth. I beat you. As the light beyond my eyelids starts to dim, I relish the peace that I know is coming to envelop me.